Morse Code

Going back and reading some of  my old blog posts... I kinda wished I didn't write so cryptically. Sometimes I can remember my posts like I wrote them yesterday and sometimes I'm like lolwtf.

Online Dating vs The Real World

How to find cute guys, or as my mom would say, "charming" guys. Because it's not about looks, it's about personality.

So here's how I go about finding the perfect people:

I brought cereal and milk to work so I could save time and eat there.
Got to work. Poured a bowl of cereal, only to find bugs crawling around in the cereal... great.

Just my luck.
At least it wasn't as bad as the last time I brought cereal and milk somewhere - the milk ended up spilling in my backpack, conveniently ruining my paycheck. Still haven't gotten a new one and the next pay period is coming up. I should probably work on that..

Anywho. No cereal called for a Trader Joes run since it's only about a 3 minute drive from my work.

Clocked out on my lunch break and off to the store I went. Got my cereal. Went to the express line. Realized that it was gonna take way longer than the line that had a person finishing up their purchases with no one waiting behind them. Went to that line. Got a cute - ahem - charming cashier who was probably about my age. He saw that I was wearing my high school's sweater and asked if I still went there. We laughed about how LOL NOPE I'm actually going into my third year of college. Thank the lordie I'm not in high school anymore. He said: "Man, I was thinking I must be old if you're still in high school". I then asked him where he went and he said he went to SAMO, making sure to inform me that his school hated mine. Cue laughter. It wasn't the longest conversation ever seeing as all I got was cereal, so my check out time was about .3 seconds. But it was super fun just meeting someone naturally and enjoying a quick laugh with a nice person.

I had previously come to the conclusion that meeting people in real life is way cooler than meeting them virtually in a slightly pathetic way, but I still succumb to lame dating apps as a form of entertainment... Even though I'm fully aware that going out in the real world and meeting people is way better.

Although, the guy I just met on OKCupid isn't half bad... maybe online dating is a more convenient way of finding out who is single, who isn't, and who wants to get their groove on. Just an idea.

Medium

I feel like all my life I've been mediocre, average, Plain Jane. Medium.
It's as if I'm balancing on a fine line between something and nothing. Big and small. High and low.
And I'm medium. Always medium.
My pants? Medium. Shirt? Medium.
Grades? Medium. Hair? Medium. Skills? Medium.
My life? Some sort of medium.
Even my laptop battery right now is low-medium.

Oh, that's another thing.

If I'm not medium, I'm low.
Organizational skills? Low. Self-esteem? Low. Ability to be productive? Low.
Knowing what the fuck I want to do with myself or my life? LOW.

I'm starting to realize that I try to do so many things that I start to lose focus of the path I'm standing on and where the next five steps will take me.
My vision is constantly blurry.
My mind is blurry. Thoughts, blurry.
Sense of anything - blurry.

Everything is so blurry that I can't even keep myself concentrated on what I want to write about.
I keep forgetting. My thoughts keep going
s
i
d
e
w
a
y
s
.

I just need to forget. Or remember. Hot damn if I could remember something for once I think my life would be a good 30% easier. 
If I could be productive and efficient, there's another 30% to tack on.
But those are just numbers.
I've never believed in numbers.

Numb to Love

We all have our flaws.
She loves too much,
I love too little.
She can pour her heart out to a guy she's known for a week.
I can see a guy for months and still have little to no feelings.
I'm scared and numb, I'm pessimistic and weak.

Some people might say it's bad that she loves to easily.
Even I think she should slow it down.
Her sob stories are so similar and repetitive and I try to warn her.
But she's going to love.
It doesn't matter what anyone says;
She'll always be a lover and a fighter.

Then there's me.
At the first problem, I wince and question everything I'm doing.
I try to act tough, I try not to feel emotion.
But deep down, I do.
I know that I'm hurt,
But I'll never show it.

She's a fighter and a lover,
I'm a coward and a wanderer.

I try to warn her that she should take her time.
She'll get hurt.
Hearts are fragile - too fragile to be shaken so roughly.
But she - she feels more than I've ever felt.
She feels tenderness. She feels love.
I feel the same repetitive lips and tongue; I'm numb to love.

Emotions escape me.
Love escapes me.
I'm showered in kisses.
I'm deprived of love.
I search for a soulmate.
I act like a child.

Love is too bold a word to ever try to describe.
Love is this. Love is that.
I can't explain love to anyone, because love is different for everyone.
I want to love and I want to be loved.
Patience. I have none.
Instant gratification. I yearn for it.

I'm too pessimistic and too cold to receive love.
I don't let anyone in.
I don't let love in. 
My doors have been shut and my locks have been rusted.
I'm too old for this game.
I'm only just getting started.

I want to be a fighter.
I want to be a lover.
There is no love without hurt.
There are no tears without stories.
I want to be a lover,
But I have much to learn.

Question.. and answer?

Sometimes I think I know everything, and so, I don’t question things. 

Bad idea. When in doubt, question things – they’re not always as they seem.

Vegetarian once more?

I really want to be vegetarian again.
Really really.
My two chief problems:
1) I'm scared I can't do it again.
2) I don't want to be compared to the person who is the reason I because vegetarian.