Depressed?

"But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I can see that it's a lie."

Wake Up - Arcade Fire
Love stinks.

Everybody goes through their fits of depression.

This is mine.

First off - "Pretending" lyrics
between Rachel and Finn. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.  They just can't.
I love you. I just can't.

face to face and heart to heart
we’re so close, yet so far apart
i close my eyes i look away
that’s just because i’m not okay
but i hold on, i stay strong
wondering if we still belong
will we ever say the words we’re feeling
reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
will we ever have a happy ending
or will we forever only be pretending
will we a-a-a-always a-a-a-always a-a-a-always be pretending
how long do i fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that i am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love

Second off, and on a lighter note -
I MET THIS GUY TODAY. And, well, he was pretty much a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Yeah.
I've seen him around a few times, but I think he got a new haircut or something, or maybe it's just that I finally introduced myself and looked in his eyes, but DAMN. Just damn. I even told him he was gorgeous and looked like Ryan Gosling. Sadly, he didn't know who that is. Then I totally had an "omgyouregorgeousimmafreakout" moment with him there. Awkward. I told my friend I would be Rachel McAdams. He asked who that was. My friend said, "Oh, she's the girl who is with Ryan Gosling in the notebook."
TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSING. But still funny. I tend to make a fool out of myself... ANYWAY,


Thirdly, ending on a depressing note as always,
I quite often lose sight of who I am.
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
I don't know what "it" is, but whatever "it" is... I don't get it.

Blue Hair

Here's my weekend story in a nut-shell.

Friday - AMAZING SPUR OF THE MOMENT IDEA. "Color all my hair blue!"
Went through with it. Colored my hair blue.
Saturday - Rockin' the blue hair.
Sunday (today) - Bought stuff to remove the blue color from my hair without having to use straight up bleach. Used it. My hair now has green randomly spread out throughout my hair.
Bought hair extensions to wrap around my head so you can't see the green colored hair. Pretty much a make-it-yourself wig. Just a lot cheaper than a real wig.
Monday - I have school. I'm not allowed to have colored hair at school. Wigs on the other hand... we'll see what goes down.


I'll probably just end up coloring my hair normal for tomorrow. OR MAYBE I'LL BE WEARING THE WIG AND YOU'LL THINK IT'S REAL.


Hair dye: $8
Hair dye removal: $8
Hair extensions: $15
(Normal color) Hair color box: $8

Total: $39 for a weekend of blue hair.

Worth it? YES.
Actually, probably not.
Oh well.

~I can't learn from other peoples' "mistakes", I can only learn from my own~

Love Support

I just realized...
I have a whole lot of people who love me.
My Jobie sisters, my DeMolay brothers, my friends, and my MMA ohana.
I'm still in my "WHAT IS LOVE AND IS IT REAL?!" stage,
but I know that, through my questioning of this,
I still have people who love me
even if I don't know how to love
or what love is.

So,
with the little faith I have in love,
I'd just like to say,
I love you all so much. More than I know what to do with <3

Spot on

Why is it that I can spot you in any picture before I even spot myself?
It's like you're more me than I am...

My mother..

Just gunna start with two from today.
If I seriously updated this every time my mom said something strange or funny,
It would be the LONGEST post...

Alex:"I'm gunna go to the railroad tracks."
Mom:"Be careful of flashmobs."

Mom:"I wonder why I didn't buy any chocolate today... I'll be in my office if you need me."
Me:"Mom.. you don't have an office.."

I'd rather people like me for my personality than my hair or any other kind of physical quality that people are admired for.

Never Give Up

"Never Give Up on Something You Can't Go a Day Without Thinking About"

Unless it's driving you crazy. Then just say "SCREW THIS".
Except, that still doesn't work, because you still go to bed every night thinking about the same thing..
and you feel like your life is a never-ending circle.
And you feel like you'll never move on
and you feel like your life isn't worth living.
And you feel like it's not just a want anymore
and you feel like you need it.

Something that you're accustom to having.
Something that you had every day.
And now it's gone.
And now it's not there.
Cold turkey.
Nothing is the same anymore.
Nothing feels right.

You were fine.
You found that something.
You were better.
You lost that something.
You were awful. 
It's past the point of caring.
And you're still awful. 

So even though I'd like to give up,
I literally can't.
Because that's still what I think about.
Every day. And night.

Blurb

ONE: Lowkey you're really attractive.
Highkey you're really attractive.

TWO: I hate when you don't hang up.
I love when you keep talking to me.

THREE: Why do you love me?
I'm so glad you love me.

FOUR: You're kinda cool.
You're the best.

FIVE: I don't like that you never have a plan.
I love your spontaneity.

SIX: I wish we got to know each other sooner.
Everything happens for a reason and I'm so glad we're the best of friends.

Pet Peeve #1

When people post a picture online
and the same picture but photo-shopped right next to it
so as you're clicking from picture to picture,
you can tell exactly what they photo-shopped.
Unless it's on purpose to show contrast,
then that's fine.

Does this bug anyone else?!

I did it!

I got my haircut today! The haircut that I have been waiting for forever to get.
I FINALLY DID IT!
$65 and one&a half hours later,
here I am.
My stylist did an amazing job and took such a perfectionists' note to detail.
I know $65 is kinda pricey for haircut, but I don't regret it in the least. It was worth every last penny.

My stylist's name was Kylene and she's the assistant manager at Carlton Hair.
She's also a senior stylist, so you know she's good.
The desk assistant recommended her to me because she's good with short haircuts.
Damn straight she's good with short haircuts!
I absolutely love my hair.
It makes me feel a lot freer and like a stronger woman (and hella more ballsy). 

My older brother who loves to criticize me says that I look like a lesbian.
Which just reminds me that people will be ignorant and not everyone will like my haircut.
Some people might even make fun of me (my brother being the first.)
But oh well. I'm strong enough to not care about people's negative opinions toward me.
Plus, everyone else besides him has liked it so far.
And I LOVE it.

"Grow a pair, cut your hair" <3