Teenager In Love

There's no blog I could write.
No cleverly coded Facebook status,
no song lyrics,
... nothing...
that would make me feel as if I've gotten my point across to you.
Just the chance that you'd see it.
Read it.
Think about it.
Think about me.
...
I don't know why I do this to myself.
I try to push aside my feelings. But they're always there.
...
I'm usually well put together,
but every once in a while I break.
And I do what I shouldn't do.
I text you. Or I write to you. Or I visit you.
And it kills me to know that nothing will ever be the same.



 

"Each night I ask the stars up above,
'Why must I be a teenager in love?'"

Let's Sleep Together

People are most vulnerable when they're sleeping.
It's a time when your body slows down. Your muscles get turned off and you become immobile.
It would be real easy for someone to hurt you.
That's why sleeping with someone is a huge act of trust for both parties.
And no,
not sleeping with someone as in sex.
Sleeping with someone as in sharing the same bed.
Whether it be a friend or a lover. 
Staying warm under the covers together. Talking about anything. Laughing. Smiling. Cuddling.
In the case of people like me, being blind because you took your glasses off, but feeling free of judgement by the other person.
They're the last thing you see before you go to sleep.. and the first thing you see when you wake up.. next to them.

Crying fit

I'm not crying over you.
I'm crying over me.
I bring these problems upon myself.

I always make the excuse that you hate me.
And that I can't be loved by you.

When in reality,
its not that.
Its this:
I hate myself.
And I don't love myself.

My internal problems with myself are causing me to think the world hates me...
that none of my friends like me. 

To be honest,
I don't feel like I'm mature enough for relationships with anyone right now.
And no, that's not in the sense of romantic relationships.
Human relationships in general.
Why should my friends have to love me if I don't even love me?

But at the same time,
this is when I need friends the most..
but I'm scared to say anything...

The more you ruv someone...

The more you ruv someone,
The more you want to kill ‘em.
The more you ruv someone,
The more he make you cry

Though you are try
For making peace
With them and loving,
That’s why you love so strong
You like to make him die!

So if there someone you are wanting so
To kill ‘em, you go and find him.
And you get him. And you no kill him.
‘Cause chances good, he is your love.

<3 Avenue Q <3

Letter of Rec.. what happened with that?

The reason I didn’t turn in my Letter of Recommendation Request Form wasn’t because I was lazy, or because I didn’t have enough extracurriculars, or anything like that.. the real reason is because I didn’t know what to write for “What achievement are you most proud of?”

Everything else was filled out…

Talentless

My lack of talent can be depressing at times.

Everybody wants to be good at something.
Everybody wants to have a skill that others admire.
Everybody wants to “wow” someone…

And I’m no different.

All of my friends are so talented,

and I'm grateful to be around so much talent,

but at the same time,

it just makes me feel so badly about myself.

I can do a little bit of everything...

but I'm not proficient enough in any one thing to the point where it could be considered a talent. 

It hurts so much to try.

I usually just don't try.
Because if I don't try, I have nothing to lose.

That's got to be my biggest flaw - I have very little to no self confidence.
But I usually pull off a smile when I'm with my friends and radiate with optimism.
When I'm by myself, however, it's the opposite.

I tried out for this years musical.
I did the best I could.
I was proud of myself.
...
And everyone is already saying that they know who got what.
It's the same people getting leads as always.
And I hate to see people complaining about the lead they got because they wanted a different lead.
The way I see it,
at least you got something.
I probably got chorus. Same as always. My full potential - that's what it is.

I also took a math test today.
I studied and did everything I was supposed to.
I thought I did pretty well.
I didn't get a good grade at all.

The list goes on and on.

The only reason I was slightly hopeful for auditions or for my test was because I believed in myself.
I might as well go back to my old ways of not believing in myself.
At least then, I won't be dissapointed.

Haven't written in a while... (boys)

I died recently.
And so did my blog.
So let me slightly redeem my blog
by my posting of a random thought I've pondered this evening.

I've chosen good boyfriends.
I don't regret dating any of the guys I've dated.
Yeah, some of my relationships didn't reach their full potential because of
silly issues I had/have with myself, or various other reasons,
but all ups and downs included.... everything was perfect.

As to refrain from embarrassing any of them, I won't say too much, but I want to share a happy memory from each relationship.

My first boyfriend was perfect. We were both each others' firsts, and it was a good learning experience. He always knew just how to make me smile, and we were perfectly content with just hugging each other forever and ever and never wanting to let go. We have the most random conversations and the best IDEAS and inside jokes.. I'm truly blessed to still have him as one of my best friends.

My second boyfriend was great as well. We had lots and lots of great times together, and I enjoyed all the quality time I got to spend with him. I knew a little bit more about relationships then, so things were easier. We understood each other well and he made me feel so special. Looking back, I realize how lucky I was to have him. We went together like *something really cheesy like PB&J* I enjoy his sense of humor.

My third boyfriend is the most likely out of all the other ones to actually read this post. He was definitely one of the better things in life that has happened to me. His laid-back personality and wisdom beyond his years made me see things from other perspectives. He also knew how to have fun, and we'd have movie nights and game nights with friends. Those were the best. We still talk often and I'm beyond glad. He's always there when I need someone to talk to, and despite all of my insanity, he never judges me. Or at least if he does, he's good at hiding his judgments. :b Kind of tearing up as I write this... well yeah. I could go on and on talking about this kid, but I'm trying to keep these paragraphs slightly uniform in size.

My fourth boyfriend was really good to me. And good for me. He helped me with my school work and he'd take me to tutoring with him, which was always helpful. He was a complete gentleman and we always had fun joking around and passing notes in class. Unfortunately this relationship ended earlier than it should have because of personal issues I was having, but thankfully there wasn't really an awkward "post-break-up, pre-friendship-again" stage. We're still good friends and I'm honored to know such a nice fellow.

My fifth and current boyfriend. Man oh man. This relationship started in the most random of ways. Then again, pretty much all my relationships did.. anyway. I thought he looked like an actor, had a freak attack and thought he was too cool for me, and here were are.. two months later. My favorite things we do include spending quality time together talking, walking along the beach, and having fun. And eating. I like that he's open to try something my way, and I'm willing to try something his way. I think we're a good pair because I can teach him to loosen up and he can teach me to be more disciplined.

Even though one could say that I've dated too many guys, I don't really think so. I think that dating is a way to expose yourself to new things. And besides, it's fun to have someone to learn with. I put as much effort into every relationship I have, and I wouldn't have a relationship just for the heck of having one. I'm thankful for all the great times I've had and for all the lessons I've learned.

If you're one of these boys, listen up real quick.
Regardless of where we may stand right now,
I love you.
I loved you once, and I'll always love you.
I don't toss around the words "I love you", so believe me when I say it.

"To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart." - Unknown

My feelings are songs

In the car I just can't wait,
to pick you up on our very first date
Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?
Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?
I'm too scared of what you think
You make me nervous so I really can't eat

Let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that i'm probably gonna miss

Let's go,don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever

Let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over
Honest, let's make, this night last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever

THIS guy...

First date:
Walking, talking.
Michael's craft store, blue sharpie, Halloween.
3rd street, walking.
A & F, Fierce, boat, moose.
Victoria's secret, fruity.
Chipotle, vegetarian bowl, pinto black beans, ice, lemon, random friends, talking, guacamole, to go.
Married couple, afro, indie, Pacsun, friends, Jane, Savannah, hands, pop art, incense,
Line. Hungry friends. Tickets. Brown&Blue eyes. Jersey Shore. Perfect seats. Jane. Books. Same row. Documentary. Hands. Grumpy lady. Q&A. Monkey. Video. Photograph. Parents. Walking. Gap. Goodbyes.
Perfection. (: 

Don't Speak

Play this song then read:
Don't Speak - Gwen Stefani


"You and me
We used to be together
Every day together always

I really feel
I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know"


Where are you?
Where did you go?
Where'd WE go?
I thought we were best friends?
I really love you and need you in my life..
For some reason we haven't been communicating as well as we used to. What happened to texting all the time, hanging out all the time, sitting on the grass all the time, US all the time...  
I'm sorry if I did something wrong.
Just please.. please come back. /:

Depressed?

"But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I can see that it's a lie."

Wake Up - Arcade Fire
Love stinks.

Everybody goes through their fits of depression.

This is mine.

First off - "Pretending" lyrics
between Rachel and Finn. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER.  They just can't.
I love you. I just can't.

face to face and heart to heart
we’re so close, yet so far apart
i close my eyes i look away
that’s just because i’m not okay
but i hold on, i stay strong
wondering if we still belong
will we ever say the words we’re feeling
reach down underneath and tear down all the walls
will we ever have a happy ending
or will we forever only be pretending
will we a-a-a-always a-a-a-always a-a-a-always be pretending
how long do i fantasize
make believe that it’s still alive
imagine that i am good enough
and we can choose the ones we love

Second off, and on a lighter note -
I MET THIS GUY TODAY. And, well, he was pretty much a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Yeah.
I've seen him around a few times, but I think he got a new haircut or something, or maybe it's just that I finally introduced myself and looked in his eyes, but DAMN. Just damn. I even told him he was gorgeous and looked like Ryan Gosling. Sadly, he didn't know who that is. Then I totally had an "omgyouregorgeousimmafreakout" moment with him there. Awkward. I told my friend I would be Rachel McAdams. He asked who that was. My friend said, "Oh, she's the girl who is with Ryan Gosling in the notebook."
TALK ABOUT EMBARRASSING. But still funny. I tend to make a fool out of myself... ANYWAY,


Thirdly, ending on a depressing note as always,
I quite often lose sight of who I am.
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
I don't know what "it" is, but whatever "it" is... I don't get it.

Blue Hair

Here's my weekend story in a nut-shell.

Friday - AMAZING SPUR OF THE MOMENT IDEA. "Color all my hair blue!"
Went through with it. Colored my hair blue.
Saturday - Rockin' the blue hair.
Sunday (today) - Bought stuff to remove the blue color from my hair without having to use straight up bleach. Used it. My hair now has green randomly spread out throughout my hair.
Bought hair extensions to wrap around my head so you can't see the green colored hair. Pretty much a make-it-yourself wig. Just a lot cheaper than a real wig.
Monday - I have school. I'm not allowed to have colored hair at school. Wigs on the other hand... we'll see what goes down.


I'll probably just end up coloring my hair normal for tomorrow. OR MAYBE I'LL BE WEARING THE WIG AND YOU'LL THINK IT'S REAL.


Hair dye: $8
Hair dye removal: $8
Hair extensions: $15
(Normal color) Hair color box: $8

Total: $39 for a weekend of blue hair.

Worth it? YES.
Actually, probably not.
Oh well.

~I can't learn from other peoples' "mistakes", I can only learn from my own~

Love Support

I just realized...
I have a whole lot of people who love me.
My Jobie sisters, my DeMolay brothers, my friends, and my MMA ohana.
I'm still in my "WHAT IS LOVE AND IS IT REAL?!" stage,
but I know that, through my questioning of this,
I still have people who love me
even if I don't know how to love
or what love is.

So,
with the little faith I have in love,
I'd just like to say,
I love you all so much. More than I know what to do with <3

Spot on

Why is it that I can spot you in any picture before I even spot myself?
It's like you're more me than I am...

My mother..

Just gunna start with two from today.
If I seriously updated this every time my mom said something strange or funny,
It would be the LONGEST post...

Alex:"I'm gunna go to the railroad tracks."
Mom:"Be careful of flashmobs."

Mom:"I wonder why I didn't buy any chocolate today... I'll be in my office if you need me."
Me:"Mom.. you don't have an office.."

I'd rather people like me for my personality than my hair or any other kind of physical quality that people are admired for.

Never Give Up

"Never Give Up on Something You Can't Go a Day Without Thinking About"

Unless it's driving you crazy. Then just say "SCREW THIS".
Except, that still doesn't work, because you still go to bed every night thinking about the same thing..
and you feel like your life is a never-ending circle.
And you feel like you'll never move on
and you feel like your life isn't worth living.
And you feel like it's not just a want anymore
and you feel like you need it.

Something that you're accustom to having.
Something that you had every day.
And now it's gone.
And now it's not there.
Cold turkey.
Nothing is the same anymore.
Nothing feels right.

You were fine.
You found that something.
You were better.
You lost that something.
You were awful. 
It's past the point of caring.
And you're still awful. 

So even though I'd like to give up,
I literally can't.
Because that's still what I think about.
Every day. And night.

Blurb

ONE: Lowkey you're really attractive.
Highkey you're really attractive.

TWO: I hate when you don't hang up.
I love when you keep talking to me.

THREE: Why do you love me?
I'm so glad you love me.

FOUR: You're kinda cool.
You're the best.

FIVE: I don't like that you never have a plan.
I love your spontaneity.

SIX: I wish we got to know each other sooner.
Everything happens for a reason and I'm so glad we're the best of friends.

Pet Peeve #1

When people post a picture online
and the same picture but photo-shopped right next to it
so as you're clicking from picture to picture,
you can tell exactly what they photo-shopped.
Unless it's on purpose to show contrast,
then that's fine.

Does this bug anyone else?!

I did it!

I got my haircut today! The haircut that I have been waiting for forever to get.
I FINALLY DID IT!
$65 and one&a half hours later,
here I am.
My stylist did an amazing job and took such a perfectionists' note to detail.
I know $65 is kinda pricey for haircut, but I don't regret it in the least. It was worth every last penny.

My stylist's name was Kylene and she's the assistant manager at Carlton Hair.
She's also a senior stylist, so you know she's good.
The desk assistant recommended her to me because she's good with short haircuts.
Damn straight she's good with short haircuts!
I absolutely love my hair.
It makes me feel a lot freer and like a stronger woman (and hella more ballsy). 

My older brother who loves to criticize me says that I look like a lesbian.
Which just reminds me that people will be ignorant and not everyone will like my haircut.
Some people might even make fun of me (my brother being the first.)
But oh well. I'm strong enough to not care about people's negative opinions toward me.
Plus, everyone else besides him has liked it so far.
And I LOVE it.

"Grow a pair, cut your hair" <3

Random lyrics #1: Our July in Rain

Why'd I have to go and do you like that?
Thought I'd moved on, but you brought me right back.
To the night you took my kiss away from me.
I took yours too, then I lost you.

Bring me back to holding hands in the rain,
I swear I'd ease your pain.
Lift you up so you could finally see
The love you are to me.

I've had time and I've had change
I've been broken but still I can't explain.
Our July in the Rain


Stupid Love Songs. 

In my own little world,
anyone can pull off a pixie cut.
In my own little world,
I imagine women of every age and face shape with short hair.

Haircut Pt. 2

 15 days to go.

<3

http://vimeo.com/24576901

Letters

Day 95.
270 left.
I don't know if I can do this anymore..
actually.
I don't even WANT to do this anymore.
The further I get into this challenge,
the more difficult my decision of quitting or sticking it out becomes.

I keep forgetting about these damn letters.
Forgetting about you.

The only reason why I'm not stopping
is to prove to myself that I can accomplish anything I desire.

I'm almost at the 100th day.
If I get to 150,
or maybe 200,
and it's really just RIDICULOUS,
I'll stop.
Because there's no point in thinking about these letters
- thinking about you -
if I don't have to.

These letters have actually helped me more than I can explain.
Whenever I want to talk to you,
I write whatever I wanted to say in a letter
instead of actually talking to you.
It helps me restrain myself from you.
It also helps me vent about you,
or say what I like about you,
without you knowing.

And when I get those strong urges to talk to you,
and follow through,
I end up wishing I never had.

These letters have taught me the difference between something I want,
and something I THINK I want.

It's funny that I'm getting frustrated with having to write these letters,
because that means I'm also getting frustrated about forcing myself to think about you.

I know I'm spending way too much time on this,
but at first it was because I was hopeless.
Now it's because I'm hopeful.

Writing to you every day for 3 months has made me realize
that, quite frankly, you're old news.

.. Just now, I was surprised when I thought back to April when I started.
It seems like it's been so much longer than 3 months of these tedious letters.

Thinking about you used to be all I could do,
even if I tried so hard not to.

Now, I get so annoyed when I force myself to think of you.
Or when I think "Damn, I still have to write a letter tonight."
Or, more recently, "Damn. It's almost been a week since I've written a letter.."

So,
with all that being said...

Here's to the past - all the mistakes that I've made, all the great times I've had, all the times I've cried, all the times I've questioned more than I need to.

To the present - living in the moment and not worrying about the future. Realizing that things will fall into place, and now is my time have fun with life and let things be. Just to let live.

And to the future - the great unknown. Whether it be tomorrow, in five minutes, or eight-and-a-half years from now. Things work out in strange ways, but nevertheless, they work. I can't control my future, I can only guide it the way I want it to go. There's a fork in the road and a million possibilities.

I promise to remember the past, live in the present, and dream of the future.

xoxo

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see
the past better than it was, the present worse than it is,
and the future less resolved than it will be.”
— Marcel Pagnol

 

Eleven:Eleven

Back to wishing.
It can't hurt, right?

Linger

I know I'm really late on realizing how perfect this song was,

but with that being said,

I dedicate this song to my good pal. You know who you are. 

Linger - The Cranberries
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PhOfJhJKZk&feature=related

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything

I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why you were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I'm in so deep, you know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong

If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you


xoxo

Blondie

Senior portrait = check.
Blonde hair is a goooooo :D

[[i love]] PSC

I know it sounds so cliche to say,
but PSC gave me new hope.
The kindness of complete strangers is something you never forget.
It has the greatest impact.
The advice these people have given me,
and the things I have learned from everyone
have been the best moments so far.
When I got my first e-mail update
my heart melted.
These people are more amazing than I could tell you.
They have the ability to have me truly think outside the box.
They challenge my mind as well as my heart to open up to new ideas.
So to the few friends who have already contacted me today alone,
I'll never meet you,
and I might never know you,
but I love you.
And that's not a phrase I hand out easily.

PS - Sunday.
PSC - Everyday.

<3

Haircut.

August 5th.
I've been waiting for this day for way too long.
IM SUPER DUPER DUPER EXCITED!!!!

To be honest...

I wish every day could be today.

When you let someone in,
it's just that much easier for you to get hurt by something they say. This is me going back to keeping to myself.

There are so many cute bras for people with small boobs. I can't even find a damn bra that FITS. Ugh. Bra shopping is tedious, tiring and not at all fun.

Be you.

Okay. You think you're so much cooler than everyone else. That's cool. Now that you're "cool", can you tell me the difference between you and everyone else who doesn't try to be "cool" just like you? Just be yourself. We'll accept you no matter what. Just don't try to be someone you're not. There's NOTHING wrong with who you are.

Summer's Start

June 9th:

Last day of school, Jocelyn's man voice, F&S, fail rollerblading/skating, Victoria falling, Mexican food, gelatos, sit ups, Holly's casa, roots, egg toss, water ballon fights, watermelon that was never cut up to eat... Yeah. Amazing start to summer with amazing people (:

^^^^ This is gunna be me and Vicky once we get better ^^^^

 

First Softball Practice

Welp,
my first softball practice was today.
Shoot me.
Haha just kidding (:
It actually wasn't that bad.
Besides the fact that I can't throw.. catch.. or bat... or do any of those things to save my life..
it was actually pretty good.
I was the only one there who hadn't ever played before. Yippee!
I'm slowly learning. And I'm really excited to be learning.
Even though I was sweaty and out of breath by the time practice was over,
I was so glad I went.
I'm really excited to meet new people and learn new skills.
Maybe after this conditioning is done,
I'll finally be able to throw straight. :b

I can't say I'm good,
I can only say I'm trying my hardest.

*Next Day*
I woke up really sore this morning!!
Grrrrr. Oh well. I just hope I'll be less sore
by the time practice starts today.

I have a lot to say.

My notepad on my phone is almost always full
(100 notes max),
my itouch has more than 50 excessively long notes,
my drafts box on my phone is always full of random thoughts (24 max)
I write things on post-it notes, on papers around my room,
and I write random things in documents (using Microsoft Word)...
and most if it never ends up going anywhere
(unless it goes here, on my blog).
I just have a lot to say.
But nothing in particular.
And not to anyone in particular.

Ruined. Everything ruined.

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Rinse and repeat fifty million times.
That's how mad I am right now.
I'm FRUSTRATED.
I just payed nearly 30 dollars for brand new film today,
and my dogs CHEWED IT ALL UP.
I'm really mad because they also chewed all the pictures that I had yet to develop.
All the pictures that I almost developed earlier today,
but I was gunna wait until I had a few more rolls of film ready to develop.
Including a roll of film that I had just finished today. 
Ohhhh,
and did I mention that they chewed my BRAND NEW ROLL OF UNUSED 36 EXPOSURE ILFORD DELTA 100 FILM?!?!?! That's eight dollars and good quality film right there down the drain. )':
Not only can I not use the new film that I just bought today,
but I also can't develop any of my pictures. I can't even find all of my rolls of film.
They're probably scattered around my house/backyard.
Yeah. So much more than pissed.
Thank God I had my camera with me all day today. 

11:11

I've stopped making wishes at 11:11.
Why?
Because they either don't come true,
or they come true at the most inconvenient time when I wish I hadn't made that particular wish.
In which case I end up just waiting for 11:11 so I can make a counter-wish.. 

When you run to the deserted railroad tracks to go cry your eyes out in solitude ... and there's people there. FML.

Love Like This

Judy Blue Eyes
By Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

One day,

someone will love me like this <3

Lyrics:
It's getting to the point
Where I'm no fun anymore
I am sorry
Sometimes it hurts so badly
I must cry out loud
I am lonely
I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
And you make it hard.

Remember what we've said and done and felt
About each other
Oh babe, have mercy
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now
I am not dreaming.
I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard.

Tearing yourself away from me now
You are free and I am crying
This does not mean I don't love you
I do, that's forever,
Yes and for always
I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard.

Something inside is telling me that
I've got your secret.
Are you still listening?
Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart
And I love you.
I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are
You make it hard
And you make it hard (x 3).

Friday evening, Sunday in the afternoon
What have you got to lose?
Tuesday morning, please be gone I'm tired of you.
What have you got to lose?
Can I tell it like it is? (Help me I'm suffering)
Listen to me baby.
It's my heart that's a suffering (Help me I'm dying)
It's a dying, that's what I have to lose
I've got an answer
I'm going to fly away
What have I got to lose?
Will you come see me Thursdays and Saturdays?
What have you got to lose?

Chestnut brown canary
Ruby throated sparrow
Sing the song don't be long
Thrill me to the marrow.

Voices of the angels, ring around the moonlight
Asking me, said she's so free
How can you catch the sparrow?

Lacy, lilting, lyric, losing love, lamenting
Change my life, make it right
Be my lady.

Que linda me la traiga Cuba,
La reina de la Mar Caribe.
Cielo sol no tiene sangre allí,
y que triste que no puedo vaya,
Oh va, oh va, va.

Translation:
(Oh, what beauty Cuba brings me,
The queen of the Caribbean Sea,
Sunny sky has no blood over there,
And how sad that I cannot go,
Oh go, oh go, go.)

I'm pregnant.

Let me explain,
I'm mentally pregnant.
I have a lot of the symptoms of pregnancy,
but I don't have an unborn child inside of me..

Read this to learn more:
http://www.womens-health.co.uk/false_pregnancy.html

Christina Perri

My freakin' idol.
I love her so much.
She's so down to Earth.
And just so.. REAL.
And she's beautiful. 
And I love her hair.
And her crooked bottom teeth give her character. 
And.. well yeah. 
<3

Some of her songs that I currently have on repeat:


The Lonely 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppwus1TZwZE&feature=related

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...

Arms

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeW0Sl0tNS8&feature=related

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
You came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms me and I'm home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close...

You put your arms around me and I'm home...

You put your arms around me and I'm home...


Penguin 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guFr8Esvbco&feature=related

Can you find the time
to let your lover love you
He only wants to show you,
the things he wants to learn too
The hardest parts you'll get through
And in the end you'll have your best friend

Love like this may come once
Baby it's fate like a soul mate
He's your penguin
Baby it's fate
Baby it's fate not luck

Can you find the time
to let your lover hold you
He needs somebody to hold too,
his loves strong and so true
His arrow is aiming for you
And he's the one that you were born to love

Love like this may come once
Baby it's fate like a soul mate
He's your penguin
Baby it's fate
Baby it's fate not luck

Let go, let go of time for you and I
Let go, let go of time for you and I
Let go, let go of time for you and I

Love like this is all I want
Baby we're fate
Love like this may come once
Baby we're fate like a soul mate
You're my penguin
Baby we're fate
Baby it's fate not luck

DayDream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDLKDMqrajE&feature=related

Finally your time has come
Now's my chance to turn and run
Like I always do

Build a story in my head
It was love before we met
Happy, with my idea with you

Stay where you are
Please don't break my heart

Love you in my daydream
Don't open your mouth, open your mouth
Everything I'll ever need
Spoil it now, spoil it now
You stood up and I fell down

Watching me, watching you
I know what you wanna do
But I'm afraid of my wish coming true

So I paint a picture in my mind, that
I go back to older times
It's better than being with you

Stay where you are
Please don't break my heart

Love you in my daydream
Don't open your mouth, open your mouth
Everything I'll ever need
Spoil it now, spoil it now
You stood up and I fell down

I don't know how to come down
I was lost and now I am found
You stood up and I fell down

Love you in my daydream
Don't open your mouth, open your mouth
Everything I'll ever need
Spoil it now, spoil it now

Love you in my daydream
Don't open your mouth, open your mouth
Everything I'll ever need
Spoil it now, spoil it now

Love you in my daydream

Black and Blue

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtsCBSmuCNg&feature=related


And I've been meaning to say this to you,
My heart isn't black and blue anymore,
And your words don't mean a thing,
When they're sung in vain,

Maybe I was wrong,
I only remember feeling so alone,

This isn't where I meant to lay down,
But you dug this grave - fits me perfectly,
And if you're asking if I'm over love,
You're a fool to believe that you gave me some,

It's been raining here like it never should,
And I can't help believe it's because you're coming,
And if a child wants to run away and a child wants to hide,
Oh, don't come following your fantasy,
Cause you might be surprised, she'll run right back inside,

And maybe I was wrong,
I only remember feeling so alone,

This isn't where I meant to lay down,
But you dug this grave - fits me perfectly,
And if you're asking if I'm over love,
You're a fool to believe,
You're a fool to believe that you gave me some,

Dear Blogger,

So, you know how I'm a big fan of Tumblr now?
I know I said that I'd never get addicted to Tumblr...
but I can't help myself.
I still love you and will post as frequently as I can.

xoxo
Rebecca

Sing us a song you're the off-pitch man

Okay.
I feel really awful.
I literally CAN'T not laugh at someone singing off pitch. Not because I'm trying to be rude. I actually don't even know why I laugh. It's almost involuntary. I guess I just think it's funny that the person isn't singing right. It's like when someone who is actually a good singer sings horribly to be funny. I s'pose I just think that the person is trying to be funny... So I laugh.

I was practicing playing and singing a song for a soon-arriving audition for my school choir, and I wanted my mom to sing with me as a way to show my friendship toward her and because I know she likes the song. I couldn't do it. I was close to peeing in my pants I was laughing so hard. And all she sang was the first two lines. I felt so bad. I told her we'd start over and I wouldn't laugh. Didn't happen. I mean, the starting over did. The not laughing didn't.

I just don't know why I can't do it.
It's not like I'm necessarily on pitch all the time. It's not like I'm anywhere close to being a talented singer. I guess it's just something in my ear. Just something I can just... Hear. I can't explain it.

Whattheheckman.
I once had a piano teacher who told me I had perfect pitch. Although, I personally think he was overstepping. CLOSE to perfect pitch, maybe.
I wish I had perfect pitch. That would be awesome. But I'd probably laugh at off-pitch people even more. THAT wouldn't be so awesome.

Most Commonly Asked Question:

"Are you single?"

My gosh. What is wrong with this world -_-

I love you

I think I'm gunna accept that fact that you love me and genuinely care about me.

There's those people who tell you that they "love you and will always be there".

Then there's the ones who follow through.

I've had people say that to me
then walk out of my life.
I need to start accepting the fact that the people who are still here for me
genuinely DO care about me
and love me just like I love them.
I greatly appreciate all my friends,
and I hope they all know that when I say "I love you",
I mean it. 

I don't toss those words around.

So thank you for loving me.
And always being here for me when I need you.
I love you.

Random thought #16

Looking though my tagged photos on Facebook.
Remembering how amazing my life has been.
What happened?

Simply not feelin' it anymore.

Confession of a teenage girl #3

I feel most alone in a room full of people.

Butterflies

WTF.
Where did these come from?
Just laying next to you
and holding you hand
and feeling your fingers stroke along my fingers.
My heart kept doing a combination of stopping and pounding. 
I still smell you on my breath.
Morning breath.
The one things I'm paranoid about.
It would be.
Your hair is soft.
Your intentions are innocent and sweet.

I love you.

As a brother.
A brother who gives me butterflies.
That's awkward.
But still.
Just a brother.

Homework.. to infinity.. and beyond!

"Pshh. My homework is easy. I'll do it later."
*Hours later*
"Crap. Now I'm tired and haven't done my homework..
I'll do it tomorrow when I wake up."
*Sleeps in*
"AHHH I only have 10 minutes to get ready! I'll do my homework during break."
*Goes to locker during break*
"The bell already rang?! Now I have no time! I'll do it at lunch."
*Socializes with friends and forgets about homework while eating lunch*
"MAN! I forgot to do my homework! I'll do it when I get home."
*REPEAT x ∞*

Awkward Shoes

That awkward moment when you zone out looking at the floor,
see a pair of shoes someone is wearing,
think, "Hey, I have those shoes!"
then look up to find out who is wearing the shoes,
and realize that they're your shoes...
on your feet...
awkward.

Confession of a teenage girl #2: Infatuation at first sight?

I was in "infatuation with you" when I first laid eyes on you.
Found your facebook. (Yes, in the most creepy "I-just-met-you-im-gunna-fb-stalk-you" way.)
Found out some pretty disappointing things about you...
My "infatuation at first sight" has diminished.
That's why I don't believe in "love at first sight".
I can't even believe in infatuation at first sight,
so that love stuff could never be true.
Dang.
You were really cute.

I guess I can always wait till the next time I see you, though.
What I said was kinda just judging a book by it's cover.
Who knows.
You were really sweet to me when we met,
so maybe you're not half bad (:

Even Angels Fall ♥

Wow. Found this song on a clip from A Walk to Remember.
Now, not only do I want to watch A Walk to Remember,
but I also want to listen to more Jessica Riddle Songs.

Even Angels Fall - Jessica Riddle
You've found hope
You've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love,
Lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.

She made it easy,
Made it free,
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops,
Sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
 
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall
Even angels fall

Dyslexic

I was solving a math problem.
I was trying to think of "PEMDAS"
and I started saying
"ROY G BIV"

I was naming colors.
I was trying to think of "Red, Orange, Yellow, Green..."
and I started saying "A, B, C, D..."


I was using the alphabet.
I was trying to think of "A, B, C, D..."
and I started saying
"January, February, March, April..."

I was looking at the months.
I was trying to think of "January, February, March, April..."
and I started saying "Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall"

Confession of a teenage girl #1

Must. Stop. Reading. Old. Letters. )':
God I'm SO stupid.
What have I done?
I can't stop these tears.

*later*

WHAT am I DOING??
Dead and gone.

I'm building my bridge.
Now I just need to walk across..
and get over it. 
Thank you, Glee.
And Fleetwood Mac, of course.

"Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac

Lovin you...THIS IS the right thing to do
How can I ever change things ...That I feel

If I could ... Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I ... When you won't take it from me
 

You can go your own way 

Go your own way
You can call it ... 

Another lonely day
You can go your own way 

Go your own way

Tell me why ... Everything turned around
Packing up ... Shackin ups all you wanna do

If I could ... Baby I'd give you my world
Open up ... Everything's waiting for you


You can go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
You can go your own way

Sometimes - Noah and the Whale

Sometimes you gotta say good bye
Sometimes you gotta click your heels and fly
Oh, Sometimes you got to know that it's best to let go
Oh, Sometimes you gotta click your heels and fly

It sure was hard to say goodbye to you,
but it sure was the right thing to do

Oh a weight is off my chest
I can lay my thoughts to rest
But it sure was hard to say goodbye to you

Oh it sure was hard to say goodbye to you,
Oh it sure was hard to say goodbye to you.

Confidence

... is SEXY.

I can be almost completely unattractive to your looks,
but so long as you're confident,
you've got 100 bonus points in my eyes.

Remember that.
Confidence is sexy.
Be confident with who you are;
others will see that
and love you for it.

Eating the Alphabet

Truth is...
I've been super lazy with my restaurant review thingy.
I'm just going to list the names of the restaurants I go to from A-Z.

Here's what I have so far:
Aroma Cafe
Bombay Cafe
La Choza
Don Chuys
Eduardo's
Fat Burger

Tumblr - Day 26

Day 26:
What you think about your friends

I think my friends are the most amazing people I've ever met.
They're all so talented and unique.
Each of my friends has a special place in my heart. 
<3 

Photoshop Perfect Magazines

I've always loved photoshop
because you can alter reality.
You can also make cool creations,
make things 3-D, and a whole bunch of neat stuff.

But it seems as if the biggest use for photoshop now
is to make people seem pretty and flawless.

If you use different filters,
you can also make pictures look worse,
although nobody would want to do that.

Except me.

Same picture. 
Different filters.
Not exactly flattering.
The top left is the original picture,
top right is HDR,
bottom left is infrared,
and bottom right is made to look Holga-esque.
In the HDR and infrared picture, you can pretty much see every freckle,
every imperfection,
every flaw.


Why don't they use these types of filters on magazine covers?
How about, instead of trying to convince us that all these people are gorgeous and haven't a flaw in the world,
show us that they are actually NOT perfect? Just like us.
Instead, they use pictures that look more like the Holga-esque one, which are slightly more white-balanced and look slightly less flawed.

I'm not perfect.
No one is.
Reality is,
no one is the photoshop perfect that you find on magazines.

Sudden Realization

Prayer is like 11:11 at any time of day. 

Alone

Not many people ever believe me,
but,
I like being alone.

Whenever I'm at home,
my parents don't let me go somewhere just to be alone.
I have to always be with friends so some "stranger doesn't come up to me".

I would LOVE to go hiking by myself, climb to the top of a mountain
and just sit there the whole day.
I would love that.

But the only way I'd be able to do something like that would be if I was with friends or family.
Not that I don't like being with friends or family,
I do. 
But sometimes,
I just really need my own personal time.

The only time I can ever find time to be alone is when I'm with my friends.
Which sounds odd, but I usually feel alone with friends anyway, so it's not that bad.

I dislike when people isolate themselves for the purpose of trying to draw attention to themselves.
That ruins the whole point of being isolated.
If you want attention,
just tell someone.
I don't want attention.
I don't.

Sometimes,
I just want to be alone.

Can't Help But Wonder

Sometimes I can't help but wonder:
what am I doing here?
There are so many more useful people on this Earth.
I don't really have a purpose that I'm aware of.
No special talents,
no great looks,
no extravagant tastes,
no life-altering opinions.

I'm just here to.. well..
sit at my computer chair at 12:47am
and write about nothing
while I stream Tumblr and see
how cool people's lives are.

One things for sure -
I don't know anything that I am,
but I sure do know what I'm not.

Tumblr - Day 25

Day 25:
What I would find in your bag

• Chapstick
• House key
• Mascara
• Wax (for my braces)
• Some form of candy
• Stray dollars
• Loose change
• Paper & Pen/Pencil
• If it's random, it's there.

Disney's Idea of Love

Disney songs tend to be depressing with 

their never-ending hopeless-romanticism.

A few examples:

Love Me or Leave Me
Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You won't believe me but I love you only
I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night-time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you
I intend to be independently blue

Say, I want your love, don't wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
My love is your love
There's no love for nobody else



Unchained Melody
Oh, my love
my darling
I've hungered for your touch
a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
Godspeed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea,
to the sea
to the open arms of the sea
lonely rivers sigh 'wait for me, wait for me'
I'll be coming home wait for me 


When I Fall In Love
When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world
Like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many
Moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
I give it completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you


When She Loved Me
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy, so was i, when she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall, we had each other, that was all
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by, I stayed the same
And she began to drift away, I was left alone
Still I waited for the day, when she’d say "i will always love you."

Lonely and forgotten, never thought she’d look my way,
She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do,
Like she loved me, when she loved me

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart
When she loved me.

I Won't Say I'm In Love

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history - been there, done that!

Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, you can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh!
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love

You're doin' flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oh
At least out loud
I won't say 

I'm in love

BEDA Day 19

Day 19: Book Review–You pick the book, review it.


The Secret Life of Bees.
I'm not good at reviews,
but I absolutely LOVED this book.
It's a nice, easy read. 
I recommended it 100%.

BEDA Day 18

Day 18: Top Ten List–You pick the topic, then make it a Top Ten List

Top Ten Things I Want To Happen Someday:

1. Go sky-diving.
2. Attend Rocky wearing next to nothing.
3. Have one of my postsecrets published on the website for a week.
4. Save a life.
5. Fall in love.
6. Have kids/adopt kids.
7. Invent something useful to many people.
8. Have a song of mine published on iTunes.
9. Ride on a motorcycle, hugging the boy driving me.
10. Write a book and have it published.

Every day.

All I'm gunna say is:
The Notebook.
One year.
365 days.

I'm on day 9.
I wan't to tell you so badly.
But at the same time, I don't.
I want it to be a surprise,
but at the same time, I don't.
I suck at surprises.
I can't stand them. They're too intimidating.
Maybe you'll read this post
and ask me what the hell I'm talking about.
Then I'll tell you.
I want you to ask me so I can tell you.
But I don't want to sound like a freak
and just tell you randomly, out of the blue. 

Like I said.
Day 9.
Only 356 to go.

PS                 

I kinda "low-key" wish

you were doing the same 

thing I was doing. I wonder

what you'd have to say.

Random thought #15

I know you can't see me via text message, but I'm hissing at your text right now. Because you make me smile. And I smiled. But I shouldn't have. HISSSS.

Lover's Secret Song

I watched Moulin Rouge for the first time two nights ago.
I really, really, really liked it.
And, as usual with these romantic movies that I watch,
it inspired me.

If ever you're with her, and I hear you humming, singing, playing, ANYTHING-ing to the song "Can't Take My Eyes Off You", I'll know you still do love me. And, like Christian, I won't be jealous. Even though the Duke is trying to steal you away, just sing me that tune, and I'll know that, like Satine, it's just your great acting skills. I'll know that you don't love the Duke and that you do, wholeheartedly, love me.
If you don't.. well, I'll know you actually love the Duke.
I'll let you be happy with the choice you make.

Yes, I'm aware the real Lover's Secret Song is "Come What May".
But that was their story. This is ours.
Or will it be?

BEDA Day 17

Day 17: This I Believe–What’s your personal motivation in life?



My motivation in life?
Currently, it's my friends and myself. For the future, it's the chance of a good life and true love.

BEDA Day 16: Guest Blogger

Day 16: Guest Blogger–Take a day off. Find a guest blogger for the day!



Lately I’ve been having pretty bad cases of déjà vu. It has come to the point where I’m getting it at least twice a day. I want to believe that I’m psychic, but I know that my mind is just playing games with me. The thing about the human mind (specifically memory) is that it is constantly playing tricks on us. What we think is a real memory may in fact be distorted as we look back at it. The most noted belief on déjà vu is that it’s just a distorted memory. Something we thought we saw before, but really had never seen. It’s all made up. We may have been in a situation similar to the déjà vu, but we change it in our heads to match what we see. (Our brains also have problems with noticing small changes when so used to seeing something common because we blindly accept it to still be the same). While researching déjà vu I also came upon jamais vu meaning “never seen.” It’s the opposite of déjà vu and a form of amnesia. Along with this is Presque vu, meaning “almost seen” which is close to the idea of having something on the “tip of your tongue.”
I don’t really know why I needed to discuss this, but it’s just fascinating to think of all these gaps in our minds. Hard to believe we get anything out at all.
“When I first saw you it felt like déjà vu of a dream I wished to keep. As life goes on it becomes jamais vu, a gap in memory. Now a Presque vu so close and nearly touched. But just another déjà vu my mind wanted to make up.”

- Thank you Adam (: