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Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Day 95.
270 left.
I don't know if I can do this anymore..
I don't even WANT to do this anymore.
The further I get into this challenge,
the more difficult my decision of quitting or sticking it out becomes.

I keep forgetting about these damn letters.
Forgetting about you.

The only reason why I'm not stopping
is to prove to myself that I can accomplish anything I desire.

I'm almost at the 100th day.
If I get to 150,
or maybe 200,
and it's really just RIDICULOUS,
I'll stop.
Because there's no point in thinking about these letters
- thinking about you -
if I don't have to.

These letters have actually helped me more than I can explain.
Whenever I want to talk to you,
I write whatever I wanted to say in a letter
instead of actually talking to you.
It helps me restrain myself from you.
It also helps me vent about you,
or say what I like about you,
without you knowing.

And when I get those strong urges to talk to you,
and follow through,
I end up wishing I never had.

These letters have taught me the difference between something I want,
and something I THINK I want.

It's funny that I'm getting frustrated with having to write these letters,
because that means I'm also getting frustrated about forcing myself to think about you.

I know I'm spending way too much time on this,
but at first it was because I was hopeless.
Now it's because I'm hopeful.

Writing to you every day for 3 months has made me realize
that, quite frankly, you're old news.

.. Just now, I was surprised when I thought back to April when I started.
It seems like it's been so much longer than 3 months of these tedious letters.

Thinking about you used to be all I could do,
even if I tried so hard not to.

Now, I get so annoyed when I force myself to think of you.
Or when I think "Damn, I still have to write a letter tonight."
Or, more recently, "Damn. It's almost been a week since I've written a letter.."

with all that being said...

Here's to the past - all the mistakes that I've made, all the great times I've had, all the times I've cried, all the times I've questioned more than I need to.

To the present - living in the moment and not worrying about the future. Realizing that things will fall into place, and now is my time have fun with life and let things be. Just to let live.

And to the future - the great unknown. Whether it be tomorrow, in five minutes, or eight-and-a-half years from now. Things work out in strange ways, but nevertheless, they work. I can't control my future, I can only guide it the way I want it to go. There's a fork in the road and a million possibilities.

I promise to remember the past, live in the present, and dream of the future.


“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see
the past better than it was, the present worse than it is,
and the future less resolved than it will be.”
— Marcel Pagnol


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