Let's Sleep Together

People are most vulnerable when they're sleeping.
It's a time when your body slows down. Your muscles get turned off and you become immobile.
It would be real easy for someone to hurt you.
That's why sleeping with someone is a huge act of trust for both parties.
And no,
not sleeping with someone as in sex.
Sleeping with someone as in sharing the same bed.
Whether it be a friend or a lover. 
Staying warm under the covers together. Talking about anything. Laughing. Smiling. Cuddling.
In the case of people like me, being blind because you took your glasses off, but feeling free of judgement by the other person.
They're the last thing you see before you go to sleep.. and the first thing you see when you wake up.. next to them.

Crying fit

I'm not crying over you.
I'm crying over me.
I bring these problems upon myself.

I always make the excuse that you hate me.
And that I can't be loved by you.

When in reality,
its not that.
Its this:
I hate myself.
And I don't love myself.

My internal problems with myself are causing me to think the world hates me...
that none of my friends like me. 

To be honest,
I don't feel like I'm mature enough for relationships with anyone right now.
And no, that's not in the sense of romantic relationships.
Human relationships in general.
Why should my friends have to love me if I don't even love me?

But at the same time,
this is when I need friends the most..
but I'm scared to say anything...

The more you ruv someone...

The more you ruv someone,
The more you want to kill ‘em.
The more you ruv someone,
The more he make you cry

Though you are try
For making peace
With them and loving,
That’s why you love so strong
You like to make him die!

So if there someone you are wanting so
To kill ‘em, you go and find him.
And you get him. And you no kill him.
‘Cause chances good, he is your love.

<3 Avenue Q <3

Letter of Rec.. what happened with that?

The reason I didn’t turn in my Letter of Recommendation Request Form wasn’t because I was lazy, or because I didn’t have enough extracurriculars, or anything like that.. the real reason is because I didn’t know what to write for “What achievement are you most proud of?”

Everything else was filled out…

Talentless

My lack of talent can be depressing at times.

Everybody wants to be good at something.
Everybody wants to have a skill that others admire.
Everybody wants to “wow” someone…

And I’m no different.

All of my friends are so talented,

and I'm grateful to be around so much talent,

but at the same time,

it just makes me feel so badly about myself.

I can do a little bit of everything...

but I'm not proficient enough in any one thing to the point where it could be considered a talent. 

It hurts so much to try.

I usually just don't try.
Because if I don't try, I have nothing to lose.

That's got to be my biggest flaw - I have very little to no self confidence.
But I usually pull off a smile when I'm with my friends and radiate with optimism.
When I'm by myself, however, it's the opposite.

I tried out for this years musical.
I did the best I could.
I was proud of myself.
...
And everyone is already saying that they know who got what.
It's the same people getting leads as always.
And I hate to see people complaining about the lead they got because they wanted a different lead.
The way I see it,
at least you got something.
I probably got chorus. Same as always. My full potential - that's what it is.

I also took a math test today.
I studied and did everything I was supposed to.
I thought I did pretty well.
I didn't get a good grade at all.

The list goes on and on.

The only reason I was slightly hopeful for auditions or for my test was because I believed in myself.
I might as well go back to my old ways of not believing in myself.
At least then, I won't be dissapointed.

Haven't written in a while... (boys)

I died recently.
And so did my blog.
So let me slightly redeem my blog
by my posting of a random thought I've pondered this evening.

I've chosen good boyfriends.
I don't regret dating any of the guys I've dated.
Yeah, some of my relationships didn't reach their full potential because of
silly issues I had/have with myself, or various other reasons,
but all ups and downs included.... everything was perfect.

As to refrain from embarrassing any of them, I won't say too much, but I want to share a happy memory from each relationship.

My first boyfriend was perfect. We were both each others' firsts, and it was a good learning experience. He always knew just how to make me smile, and we were perfectly content with just hugging each other forever and ever and never wanting to let go. We have the most random conversations and the best IDEAS and inside jokes.. I'm truly blessed to still have him as one of my best friends.

My second boyfriend was great as well. We had lots and lots of great times together, and I enjoyed all the quality time I got to spend with him. I knew a little bit more about relationships then, so things were easier. We understood each other well and he made me feel so special. Looking back, I realize how lucky I was to have him. We went together like *something really cheesy like PB&J* I enjoy his sense of humor.

My third boyfriend is the most likely out of all the other ones to actually read this post. He was definitely one of the better things in life that has happened to me. His laid-back personality and wisdom beyond his years made me see things from other perspectives. He also knew how to have fun, and we'd have movie nights and game nights with friends. Those were the best. We still talk often and I'm beyond glad. He's always there when I need someone to talk to, and despite all of my insanity, he never judges me. Or at least if he does, he's good at hiding his judgments. :b Kind of tearing up as I write this... well yeah. I could go on and on talking about this kid, but I'm trying to keep these paragraphs slightly uniform in size.

My fourth boyfriend was really good to me. And good for me. He helped me with my school work and he'd take me to tutoring with him, which was always helpful. He was a complete gentleman and we always had fun joking around and passing notes in class. Unfortunately this relationship ended earlier than it should have because of personal issues I was having, but thankfully there wasn't really an awkward "post-break-up, pre-friendship-again" stage. We're still good friends and I'm honored to know such a nice fellow.

My fifth and current boyfriend. Man oh man. This relationship started in the most random of ways. Then again, pretty much all my relationships did.. anyway. I thought he looked like an actor, had a freak attack and thought he was too cool for me, and here were are.. two months later. My favorite things we do include spending quality time together talking, walking along the beach, and having fun. And eating. I like that he's open to try something my way, and I'm willing to try something his way. I think we're a good pair because I can teach him to loosen up and he can teach me to be more disciplined.

Even though one could say that I've dated too many guys, I don't really think so. I think that dating is a way to expose yourself to new things. And besides, it's fun to have someone to learn with. I put as much effort into every relationship I have, and I wouldn't have a relationship just for the heck of having one. I'm thankful for all the great times I've had and for all the lessons I've learned.

If you're one of these boys, listen up real quick.
Regardless of where we may stand right now,
I love you.
I loved you once, and I'll always love you.
I don't toss around the words "I love you", so believe me when I say it.

"To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart." - Unknown