Damn. So much I can say.
To be completely honest,
the first day and a half was horrible.
I didn't know why I even went.
Yea, I had friends there, but I realized that I'm not really very close with a lot of my classmates.
It's the worst feeling in the world to feel alone in a room full of people. I'd rather be alone by myself.
All I wanted to do was go hike somewhere and seclude myself from everything. I just wanted to sit in the warm sun with the cool breeze blowing on my face - listening to the sounds of birds chirping and wood peckers pecking. I was having
the worst time of my life. It reminded me of my yoga class the other day. It was excruciatingly painful when I started. I just kept glancing at the clock and waiting for it to be over. It was the same thing with this retreat, but I didn't have a clock. We weren't supposed to know the time which, actually, was pretty cool. I liked not having such a strict schedule. But at the same time, I just wanted to clock to tick down until it was Friday and I was home in my bed, curled in a ball.
But what I didn't think about was the end of yoga class. Toward the end, it was actually enjoyable. We did exercises that I was more familiar with, and it wasn't so bad. I was actually starting to enjoy myself. The same thing happened on retreat. After everybody was all cried out, I started to gain some confidence. People had confessed their burdens and things that were weighing them down. It made me feel so much less alone to know that everybody is going through mostly the same things. There are so many people who feel the same way I do. Some people just express different feelings different ways. Some are better at hiding their feelings, some are better with letting them go, and some just need a little help.
The second half of that day was amazing. Friday was really great, too.
I started letting loose and being myself.
Doing the reflection questions made me realize that the only thing in my way is... me.
I always put myself down before someone else has a chance to. That way only I can only disappoint myself and no one else. I'm realizing that I don't need to put myself down.
Once I realized that, I was actually having a good time. I made new friends and strengthened some bonds.
Overall, I'm really glad I went. It was a great experience.
