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Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Soul's Oblivion

I want to cry.
So much.
There's way too much going on in my mind.
I'm having way too much internal conflict.

I can't do it.
I can't.
I can tell myself I can,
and I can motivate myself to do so..
I can't.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I can't.

What am I doing?
What is this?
I have no reason.
I thought I had a reason.
I don't.
Why am I doing this?
To be honest,
I don't know.

I know that part of the reason I'm doing it
is because I'm trying not to hurt other people,
but honestly,
it's to the point where I'm hurting myself.
Not something I wanna be doing.
I've been enduring it,
but there's no reason for it.
I can't do it.
I don't want to do it.
I need to breathe.
I haven't had time to breathe.
I need it.
I can't think straight.
I can't see straight.
I don't know what I'm doing..

What AM I doing?
I don't know.
There's too many questions invading my mind.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I can't handle this.
I can't answer any of my own questions.
I don't want these questions.
These questions shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't be where I am right now.

I'm not who I used to be.
I'm not what I want to be.
I'm not who I want to be.

I want to be who I used to be.
I want to be who I am.

But right now,
I don't know where that me is.
That side of me.. she's hidden.
Covered in dust.
I can't see her.
I don't know where she went.
I want her back.
I want myself back.
I want back the simple care-free life I once had.

What I want is
for all my questions to go away.
All my troubles.
All my worries.
I want to light them on fire and feel the heat of them burning
and smell the smoke in the air.
I want them to vanish like a puff of smoke.
Be gone.

Troubles, be gone.
Please, be gone.

This isn't what I want.

I thought it's what I wanted..
but I'll tell you right now.
Crying is not what I wanted.
This is not what I planned for.

Somebody save me...
no one can save me.

I've dug myself in such a rut.
Days like these make me feel that there's no way out of this oblivion..

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