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Friday, November 12, 2010

Last words in this world, now on to the next.

 11-10-10
 You have six months to live.


Imagine someone telling you that. How would you react? Would you cover your mouth with your hands, scream at the top of your lungs, gasp, sit there calmly, run away..? What would you do? Six months. That's all you have left. SIX months.

I went to the doctor yesterday, because I haven't been feeling very good lately. I was running a fever, couldn't stay awake in class, couldn't sleep at night - it was bad.
So I went to the doctor, and she gave me two test. One came back negative. Good.
The other? Positive.

Positive.
That's what she told me.
She said the results were positive.

What could I do about it? Nothing.
There's no cure for it.
There's no antibiotics I can take.
The only thing I can do it take Advil to ease the pain.
Other than that? Nothing. I'm helpless.

What I have is really bad. I get the chills as my body tried to fight off the virus, then I get as hot as an oven when a fever is starting. Sometimes, I'll have both. I'll be painstakingly freezing and excruciatingly hot at the same time. I get goose bumps from the totally different temperatures occurring in my body. You know how you're not supposed to wash a hot pan with cold water? That's exactly what was happening to me. I didn't know if I was hot or cold - it changed so often - regardless of the weather. 
Last night, for example (well this morning, technically) I was FREEZING cold. My body was shivering - it was like people doing the wave. It echoed throughout my body. My teeth were chattering non-stop. I was curled in the smallest ball I could squeeze myself into, under the two warm blankets in my bed. I would have gone to get another blanket, but if I had even taken off the blankets for five seconds, I'd feel like I was freezing to death. From 6am to 8am. Two hours. I started getting the chills at around 6am. It wouldn't stop. I was crying it hurt so much. The cold tears on my face we making it worse. I ducked my head under my covers. What I was feeling simply can't be explained. It was excruciating. Imagine the burning, numbing sensation you get when you fall down at the ice rink with your bare hands on the ice. That feeling. Two hours. I kept looking at the clock to see how long it would take. First it was 6. I looked again. 6:24. Again, 7:02. Again, 7:42. Looking at the clock just made things go a helluvalot slower. Finally it was around 8 o'clock, and the shivering had stopped. I was just laying there - my limbs were numb from all the shock they'd been in. My head was hot - the fever was starting. My body was warmer, and let me tell you - it's never felt so good to be so warm. My head being on fire was the least of my concerns. I was just glad I got over the horrible chills. I honestly sat in my bed in that little ball, thinking that I'd die right then. I told myself "you can do it, you can do it. Just a little longer." but after a while, I started telling myself "YOU CAN'T DO IT! You can't! I can't. I can't I can't."
Probably the scariest night of my life.

But anyways - six months. What would you do? If somebody told me while I was perfectly healthy, that I had six months to live, I'd try to live my life to the fullest.
But when your sickly ill, easily fatigued and a little too contagious to be with friends, there's not much you can do. Except sleep. Sleeping until the day I die? For six months? I couldn't do that.

What would you do if someone told you that you had about six months to live?
Would you tell your friends? Would you tell your family? Or would you not tell them, because you don't want them to be a fake and only treat you nice because you're dieing?
Or would they genuinely treat you nicer?
How would your friends treat you in you told them, would they stop taking you for granted? Would they be nicer to you and notice you more?
Would the people who love you, remind you that they do?
Would the people who dislike you, be nice to you?
Would you apologize for your mistakes? Or would you take them to the tomb?
Would you want a living funeral, so you can hear what people have to say,
or one when you're dead, so you'll never have to know?
Would you spend all your money to have the best rest of your life you can,
or would you save it all, and either give it to family or donate it?
Would you clean your room, or would you let it get messy?

What would you DO??

Six months. Seems like a lot of time, but when all you have left is 42 weeks,
each week goes faster than the next.

How would you break it to your teachers,
your elementary friends,
your school mates,
your other half
-
there's so many questions that run through one's mind.

((I had a huge and fantastic list of questions,
but I was too tired to write it down when it was in my head,
so this is what I get.
But I'm pretty sure you could infer from here.
Six months.
What would YOU do?))

1 comment:

  1. aww sorry rebecca what do you have!

    ReplyDelete